


"The Gang Gets Lost"

by Queenscene2



Series: It's Always Sunny on Planet Arus (Dotu Crack Fics) [6]
Category: Voltron: Lion Force (1984)
Genre: Crack, Gen, and the map was misleading, and we went the wrong way, like actual crack cocaine, this is inspired by today, welcome to this, where my family and I accidently got lost on a trail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:36:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26206540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenscene2/pseuds/Queenscene2
Summary: The pilots get lost after hiking through the woodsA crack fic
Series: It's Always Sunny on Planet Arus (Dotu Crack Fics) [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1825153
Kudos: 4





	"The Gang Gets Lost"

**Author's Note:**

> ***This is a crack fic. Do not take anything in this story seriously***

Keith was _trying_ to sip his triple shot espresso and read the newspaper in peace, but the pilots made that hard. It had been a long night without sleep (as usual) and he was not in the mood to hear about...whatever the hell Hunk was rambling on about to the others. In fact, he was feeling especially cranky. That’s what being on hour 59 of no sleep does to you, I suppose.

“...AND THEN I drove off the cliff!” Hunk boomed in his loud voice. The other three pilots howled in laughter. Pidge’s laughter was especially obnoxious, as he started banging the kitchen island counter as hard as he could.

Keith sighed and put down his newspaper forcefully. He was about to scream at the pilots for causing his ever growing migraine, but then choked on his words when he saw everyone staring at him.

“Dude, are you okay? Your face is bright red.” Lance asked, totally knowing the answer. He didn’t really feel like fighting this morning. “Fine.” Keith said, faking a smile. “I just....wanted to say that we’re gonna go on a hike today.” Keith mentally facepalmed. _A hike? In this condition? What the hell, Keith!_ He admonished himself harshly.

The other pilots were giving him looks. “A what now?” Pidge asked, lowering his glasses. Keith had to keep going. He can’t go back on his word now. Besides, he was the commander. He could make the others do whatever he wanted. 

“You heard me. We are going for a hike, so that we can work on endurance and leg training.” He said as matter of factly as he could. The more he talked about it, the more he loved the idea. Maybe this hike would tire the rest of them out, so that Keith can finally get some peace and quiet.

Allura sighed. “But I’m not dressed for a hike.” she said looking down at her dress.

Keith huffed. “Well then GET dressed for a hike.” he demanded impatiently. Pidge bursted into laughter. “Yeah! We wouldn’t want you flying away, Princess! That dress makes you look like a bird!” Lance and Hunk laughed obnoxiously at Pidge’s comment. Allura huffed. “It’s not MY fault I chose to wear this!”  
  
“Enough bantering. Let’s get moving!” Keith commanded. His adrenaline was suddenly at an all time high. This was a great idea.

~

“This is the dumbest idea in the history of ideas.” Lance announced, swatting a few flies away. The boys were standing at the edge of the forest in matching tank tops, while Allura had changed into a comfortable looking blue strapless romper. 

“Why? This will be great for our leg strength training.” Lance scowled. “WHAT strength training, Keith?! It’s just the woods. There’s no--”

“Alright people, let’s get going.” Keith interrupted. He turned to Hunk and shoved a piece of paper in his large hands. “Hunk, you read the map and tell us where to go.” he said. 

Hunk nervously looked down at the paper. The woods near the castle were dense and thick and a LOT larger than Hunk remembered. Nevertheless, he had to give Keith an answer, as he and the rest of the team noticed that his patience was extra thin today.

“Uhhh...left?” Hunk said, pointing to the direction he wanted to go. There were no hiking paths that he could see. Why are they even here?

“Left! Alright let’s go.” Keith said. Pidge started to go ahead but stopped when Keith ran up from behind yelling, “LET ME GO FIRST!” He shoved the 12 year old out of his way, making him fall down onto his knees in the mud.

“Damn. He really needs to stop mixing Red Bull with his triple shots in the morning.” Pidge mumbled to himself.

~

The three walked along the “path” that Hunk had told them to go. There really wasn’t a path, but that didn’t stop Keith from leading the group. After all, he _was_ trying to tire them out. The Arusian sun beat down on the five that day…somehow, even though the woods were pretty thick.

“Keith, can we take a breather?” Allura said, sitting down on a rock. “I’m really sweaty.” Keith glared at her. “No. We gotta keep going.” He said. “But, I’m so tired.” Allura complained. “And I’m pretty sure I have a blister on my foot.”

Keith spun around and glared at her. “Then why don’t you take out your wings and just _fly_ the rest of the way, you bird!” he sassed. The three other boys laughed. 

Allura simply glared and gave him a bird of her own.

~

The three trekked on for what felt like hours. Keith stopped between a “fork in the road” (which was really just two trees in an arch on one side and a piece of path that the bamboo happened to make on the other.)

“Which way now, Hunk?” Keith asked. Hunk wiped his brow and looked down. He wasn’t really sure where they were. Was this the bamboo? Was there any bamboo symbol on this map? All he could see was trees. Where did Keith get this map anyway?

“Uhh…” he started. “Uhhh? That’s not a direction, Hunk.” Keith snapped. “Uh, I think we’re lost, Commander.” He said. Keith snatched the map from Hunk’s hands. His eyes then widened. “Uh...Hunk?” he said, trying not to lose his temper. 

“Yeah?” 

“THE MAP IS UPSIDE DOWN!”

He threw it at his face. “Are you clinically stupid?” He screeched. 6’7 Hunk suddenly felt so small. “I’m sorry. I...can’t read Arusian.” he confessed.

“You can’t read?!” Lance asked, his voice cracking from suppressing a laugh. He, Pidge, and Allura howled in laughter. “Boy, what a dumbass!” Pidge said in between wheezes. 

Keith pinched the bridge of his nose. His migraine was suddenly returning. This was a disaster. The team was lost, Hunk was stupider than he thought, and most of all, none of the pilots were tired but him.

“Fine. We’ll just turn around and go back the way we came.” Keith suddenly decided. “How? Everything looks the same.” Allura pointed out. “Shut up, Bird. _I_ have the map now and I know where we are going.” Keith said. He looked at Hunk with narrow eyes. “Cause I can actually _read._ ”

Allura turned her back on him. “Whatever. Just don’t bitch to me when we get even more lost.” She started walking back the way they came from.

Eventually, the five found themselves back to where they started from. No, not the edge of the forest, but the place where they decided to start to go back. You know, the bamboo part.

“I think we’re going in circles, Keith.” Pidge said. “No, we aren’t.” Keith said, his eyes still on his map. Allura sighed. “I’m gonna call Coran to come pick us up.” She said. The four sat on a rock near the bamboo and watched Keith continue to circle back.

“I feel it. We’re getting close!” Keith said, fatigue laced in his voice. Lance rolled his eyes. “He said that like...30 minutes ago.” He mumbled to Pidge.

Eventually, the five looked up and saw Coran in the Royal helicopter. “The castle has a helicopter?” Hunk asked. “The more you know!” The boys cheered and waved Coran down. They were finally saved. 

And that was the last thing Keith could remember.

~

Keith came to in his bed. “Wh- what happened?” he asked out loud. “You passed out from exhaustion.” He heard Pidge say. He turned over to see the four pilots standing over his bed. He sat up quickly.

“How...where…did…?” he stuttered out. “Did you have a good rest?” Allura asked in her sweet voice. Keith nodded. “Good. Here.” Lance said, dropping papers into his lap. Keith furrowed his brow.

“What the hell are these?” he asked.

“Lawsuits.” Lance answered.

“Lawsuits? For what?”

Allura spoke up. “Probably for getting us lost, working us too hard on overtime, verbally abusive behavior, aaaaaand for this huge blister on my foot.” She took off her shoe and showed it to him. He gagged. “It could have gotten infected in those woods!” 

“Also for making me read a map!” Hunk added, folding his arms. Keith raised his arms in protest. “I didn’t even know you were illiterate!” he rebutted. “That’s on you. You’re his commander!” Pidge said pointing his stubby little finger at him.

Keith made a face. The other four smirked at him before turning away to leave. “See you in court, bitch.” Lance said. The other three high fived him.

~

“Okay, everything in order?” Lance asked the rest of the group. The four were standing outside of the courtroom. “Yep.” Hunk said. “I organized it all myself.” 

“Great. Now where’s the prosecutor?” Lance asked. The three looked around. “Right here!” they heard a familiar, gremlin like voice say. Pidge walked out of the bathroom in a suit that was 3 sizes too big on him and a satchel. “Pidge Gunderson, Ace Attorney.” he greeted shaking Lance’s hand.

“Attorney? You don’t even know what you’re doing!” Lance hissed. Pidge laughed. “Yes I do! I’ve played the entire Ace Attorney trilogy. I’m over qualified.” Lance’s face softened. “Well, I can’t argue with that logic. You’re in.”

Pidge grinned to himself as the bailiff ushered them into the courtroom.

~

“Court is in session for the trial of Keith Akira Kogane.” The Judge announced, swinging his gavel. 

“The prosecution is ready, your honor!” Pidge shouted loudly. He was standing on a stool, since the prosecution bench was too tall for him. The Judge stared at him. “Uh, son? If you could quiet down, you’re in a courtroom. We--”  
  


“OBJECTION!” 

Pidge pointed at the Judge. “ _I’m_ the prosecuting attorney, Udgey.” He declared. He stood in a superhero stance and flashed a smile. Lance, Hunk, and Allura applauded from the gallery. 

“Aren’t you a little young to be a prosecuting attorney?” The Judge asked, looking him up and down. Pidge smiled proudly. “Why yes. Yes I am. But I have played the Phoenix Wright trilogy.” 

“Well, I can’t argue with that logic. Phoenix Wright is a very good attorney.” The Judge said, smiling.

In the defendant chair, Keith was covering his eyes. He couldn’t believe this was happening. Was everyone this stupid?

“The prosecution may begin its opening statement.” The Judge said.

~

The trial went on like a normal trial for the most part. Pidge was surprisingly very good at being a prosecutor and it looked as if Keith was in some hot water. 

“The prosecution calls Her Royal Highness, Princess Allura to the stand.” Pidge said. “Oooh! That’s me!” Allura squealed excitedly. “Go get ‘em, baby girl.” Lance said. Allura ran out of the gallery and down to the witness stand excitedly as if she was on a game show.

“Name and occupation please.” Pidge asked her. Allura smiled. “I’m princess Allura. I am the ruler of this great planet known as Arus.” Lance and Hunk cheered from the stands as if they were at some football game.

“You may now begin your testimony, your highness.” The Judge said.

Keith noticed that Allura suddenly changed demeanor. “Well,” she said in a dramatic and unnecessary southern belle accent. “I was just walking along and enjoying the beautiful day, when Keith demanded that I start running.”

_Wh- That did NOT even happen!_ Keith scowled. Allura continued. “Then, I got this HUGE blister on my foot! It started oozing pus and shit. Would y’all like to see it?” she asked. The Judge started to protest, but Allura already slammed her shoe up on the stand anyway.

She pulled off her shoe and the crowd gasped as they saw the infected area. Keith wanted to die. “As you can see, Judge. The witness _clearly_ suffered some fatal injuries during the defendant’s stupid ass trip to the mountains. As well as my other clients, probably. Hence why she is asking for $5000 Arusian dollars.” Pidge concluded.

At this point, Keith just wanted it to be over.

“I see. An excellent point!” The judge said. “I have made my decision. Commander Kogane, please take the stand.” Keith’s eyes widened. “Wait, what? But my attorney hasn’t said anything!”

“He doesn’t have to. The evidence is more than damning.” The Judge said.  
  


“But--”

“Take the stand, Commander.”

“Wait--er I mean, objec-”

The Judge banged his gavel. “Now!”

Keith sulked as he dragged himself to the defendant stand. _I hate my life_. He thought to himself. “The court finds Keith Akira Kogane: Guilty of all charges. He shall pay his team 10,000 arusian dollars for his negligence and misconduct. Court is adjourned.”

~

The four were jumping around and celebrating their victory. “Pidge, little buddy you were incredible!” Hunk said. Allura patted him on the back. “You were! Great job!” Lance smirked. “Celebration dinner? It’s on Keith!” Lance said. The four cheered once again.

Keith came up to them. “I hope you knuckleheads are happy.” He scowled. Lance threw his hair back. “We are.” he said. Keith smirked, as another great idea popped into his head. “You know, I guess you’ll need the 10 grand.” 

Lance scoffed. “Yeah? That’s why we’re getting it?”

Keith smiled bigger. Hunk was the first to get scared. “Uh, why are you looking at us like that?” he asked nervously.

“I mean I guess you all would need the 10 grand, when I fill out your annual reports to the Galaxy Garrison.” He flicked his hair back. “You guys can enjoy your 70% salary cut.” he said.

“S-Salary....?” Pidge wheezed out. 

“HA!” Allura scoffed. Keith turned to her. “And dear Princess. I did forget about you either. _I’m_ gonna tell Nanny _all_ about your unladylike escapade at the strip club last Thursday." She gasped. 

Lance slinked an arm around him. “Heyyyyy, uh so Keith...buddy...my best friend in the universe....” he grabbed the fine and tore it into pieces. “What do you say we forgive and forget? A-About this whole lawsuit thing, huh?” He threw it above Keith’s head like confetti.

Keith shook his head. “Sorry, _buddy._ ” he said, still smirking. “Looks like you and Hunk are gonna have to say goodbye to Long Island Wednesdays.” 

The four, knowing that they couldn’t fight their commanding officer, slunk out of the courthouse in shameful silence with Keith smiling as big as he could.

He sure got his peace and quiet.

  
  
  
  



End file.
